Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
