So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
