considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
