How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
