"it" just moved
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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