i permit you to call me
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
