TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
