Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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