two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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