I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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