who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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