It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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