i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
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