sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
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Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
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Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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