i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
