you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
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I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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