It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
