Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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