I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
