i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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