Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
