cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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