True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
