I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
