That's when you crack a 10am beer
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
