I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
