I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
