Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
