Jerry, you need to find god
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
