I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
