So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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