i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
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