She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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