I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
