I am puke
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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