Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Randomize
