I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
