I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
