I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
