i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
