I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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