you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk