he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
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I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
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I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?