Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
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To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
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I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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