I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
