he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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