dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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