And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
