i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
