I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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