Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
