Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
